Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.