Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.