Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

🤣🤣🤣

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.