Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

Had a spot of bother earlier.

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.