Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
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I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
*Discussing the school nativity play*
Me: Who’s Mary?
7: She’s Jesus’s mum.
Me: Yes, who’s playing her.
7: Dunno.
Me: Who’s Joseph?
7: He’s Mary’s husband.
Me:
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
.. do you even science?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
