Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
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[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
This why you should mind your business
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.