Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident!

Me: *you’re

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#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.


DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.


When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.


Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side.


I am not “aware” of any “laws” that “forbid” the use of excessive “air quotes” officer “Barnes.”


I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.


supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’


*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*


Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.


Kid: I had a nightmare. There were these flowers but then they turned into clowns and they swung around this elephant and then demon faces came out and the whole time there was this awful music playing.

Cirque Du Soleil Producer: *taking notes* go on.