My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
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*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
In space, no one can hear…
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.