Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
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“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.