FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut