FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.