FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.