FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.