FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
But is it really??
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.