Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy