Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.