Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
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SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.