Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
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I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.