Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

very niche meme I made

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.