Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
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DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.