Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

The options really are this bad

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land