Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
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[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime