friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
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My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Me, reading some of your tweets
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My birthstone is kidney
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
True freaking story!
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.