friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
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Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
playing pool? you mean swimming?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.