Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids