friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
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*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 馃槀馃槀
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn: