Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

Always a housemaid, never a house.

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

I think we should hear other voices.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.