Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.