friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
You Might Also Like
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
that’s really how it is
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy