Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

lmfao

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Eating for two.

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference