friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
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fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
This is amazing.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.