Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?