Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
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Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
shit, they caught us—run!!!
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.