Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
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Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
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5.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?