Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
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*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
doing your own taxes
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you