Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
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10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.