Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
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5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.