Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Suuuuure

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.