Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

Nice try Hitler

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.