Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.