Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –