Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it