Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

brian had himself a morning…

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

British people

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

*files a restraining order against reality*

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.