Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light