Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
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9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.