Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
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She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*