Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

Me :

All Day At Night

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

lot going on here, legally speaking.

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.