Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
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[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there鈥檚 a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it鈥檚 improbable
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that鈥檚 ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I can鈥檛 afford a security system so I鈥檝e just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn鈥檛 know anyone so we couldn鈥檛 join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days馃槵馃槀
The reason I don鈥檛 like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you鈥檙e listening to your friend talking about her mum鈥檚 dementia and you鈥檙e dressed as Mario.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it鈥檚 come to this
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
When people say they鈥檙e speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation