@hbombmom

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

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@QwertyJones3

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

@BDGarp

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

@d1dynasty_

[Me on a Date with my crush]

Me : Will u eat Burger??

Her : No, I’m eating light these days

Me : Waiter! A Burger for me and an LED bulb for this lady.

@Sassafrantz

[lays down]
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.

@urmumsausername

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

@JoParkerBear

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

@bluebonetbabies

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

@TheTobbie

I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-oh, never mind, I found it…

@IntrepidDeviant

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.