Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
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Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[Me on a Date with my crush]
Me : Will u eat Burger??
Her : No, I’m eating light these days
Me : Waiter! A Burger for me and an LED bulb for this lady.
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-oh, never mind, I found it…
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.