Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
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my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.