FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
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I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls