FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
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*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
need him
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”