FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
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[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town