FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
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God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]