Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

what’s the point then??

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago