Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

LOL

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

Always 🥴

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die