Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

This line from Airplane.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.