Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mmmm canned fish.

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

I’m not proud

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section