Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
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wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Who chose this font
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.