Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench