Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!