friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
