Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

Don’t frighten the programmers!

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.