friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
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I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
When you’ve simply given up.
🔦🌙👣
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Meanwhile in Canada…
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”