Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

when dads have a rap battle

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!