Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

Things will get butter, keep churning

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake