Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you