Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
You Might Also Like
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.