Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
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Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
the world’s most popular steaming services
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.