Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All. The. Damn. Time.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*