Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
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ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced