Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
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Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house