@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

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@ValeeGrrl

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

@sarcasticmommy4

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

@TheTweetOfGod

If a man strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown yourself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

@JustMeTurtle

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

@TheOutli3R

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

@beefman138

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

@TheAlexNevil

*gets paper cut

*curses God for his cruelty

*sees commercial about starving children in Africa

*curses God for commercial interruptions

@UncleDuke1969

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.