@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

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@dvntownsend

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

@ThisOneSayz

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

@carlyken

I need a career involving less interaction and more pizza.
I’ve narrowed it down to:
Pizza Farmer
Pizza Hunter
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

@NotBachibawlz

I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”

“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”

@beckyiniowa

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

@AuthorGaylord

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

@Phook75

Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now

@robdelaney

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

@ZackBornstein

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month