Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

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I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.


No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.


I need a career involving less interaction and more pizza.
I’ve narrowed it down to:
Pizza Farmer
Pizza Hunter
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle


I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”

“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”


If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.


Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.



Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now


As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.


Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month