Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
You Might Also Like
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
If a man strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown yourself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
*sleeps with the fishes but does not use condom*
*gets paper cut
*curses God for his cruelty
*sees commercial about starving children in Africa
*curses God for commercial interruptions
*spits out animal cracker*
This doesn’t even taste like hippo.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.