Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
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Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS