Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
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Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
#JohnTravolta
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them