Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

Mornin

How dramatic are you?

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art