Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

My first son he is wonderful

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement