Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion