[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
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I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.