Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
You Might Also Like
Thursday Thought.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
i prefer mine room temperature.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.