Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

be safe out there!

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.